That's Right! It's
Battle of the Bootlegs

The Best of Both Worlds
Part One

For Easy Reading, The Battle scrolls off to the right. Just use the Scroll-Bar at the bottom of your browser to view the whole thing.

Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It! Gotta Load It!
It's Party Time on the Bridge of the Enterprise! A costume Gala is under full swing! Riker is being his usual boisterous self...

"Now stop me if you've heard this one....
A naked blonde walks into a bar. She's got a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender looks up at her and says 'I guess you won't be needing a drink'. The naked blonde says..."

"Sorry to interrupt, Captain, but a ship has just come into range. We're being hailed." "A ship? We're thousands of light-years from any inhabited systems! Better put them on the main viewer, Mr. Data." Captian Picard regards the viewer stocially, while his excitable (and slightly tipsy) crew react to the image on the viewscreen....

"It's HUGE!"

"I've never seen anything like it!"

"It's a refugee from the 1970's Disco Era!"

Data has some information for Picard...

"It appears to be a heavily modified Star Wars Vehicle, Captain. With a Klingon Cruiser welded to the back as a sort of spoiler..."

"I can see the modifications, Mr. Data. Open a channel."

"Channel open, sir."

"Attention, unidentified vessel. This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship..."

Before Picard can finish his introduction, a harsh, raspy voice blares from Enterprise's speakers...

"QUIET, HUMAN SCUM! We are the BOOTLEGS. Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded! Arg!"

"Mr. Data, what's the status of our shields?"

"Down, sir. You never told me to raise them."

"Well, maybe we can bluff them....Bootleg Vessel! We have no intention of lowering our shields."

"You're not fooling anyone, Oh Bald One. We're already on our way. Arg!"

The eerie humm of a transporter fills the bridge as three figures materialize. Miles O'Brien dives for cover as they appear inches from his workstation.

"Arrrgh, Maties! We be the Pirate Bootlegs of Gamma Hydra Eight! We've come for you, Captain Picard!"

"You'll never take me alive, you muderous Pirates!"

"I suggest you re-think your position, Matey! You're coming with us! No one can resist the BOOTLEG! We will add your sales and marketing potential to our own! Besides....JEAN-LUC, I AM YOUR FATHER!"

"What the heck are you talking about? Ack!"

"Har Har! Now to take you back to our ship!"

Riker is quick to leap to the defense of his Captain. Unfortunately a well placed blast from the Bootleg Stormtrooper holds him at bay!

"Riker! No! Stay back! These Bootlegs will stop at nothing!"

"Captain! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" The bridge is filled with the smell of melting plastic as Riker gets what he asked for!

(Note to the reader: This is where the expensive toy bites it! The Thomas Riker figure being blasted to bits here guides at over $200 Mint-on-Card!)

"Har har! Unless the rest of you swabs want more of the same, you'll back away!"

The humm of transporters is heard again as the trio and their captive beam back to the waiting Bootleg vessel.

Later, on the Bridge of the Bootleg Vessel, Darth is giving Picard an unhappy choice.

"Into the Chamber, Picard! Either that or we make you sit in the COMFY CHAIR!"

"The Comfy Chair?"

"YES! I happen to know that you look like a FOOL sitting down! Your V-Crotch articulation prevents you from sitting normally! You'll be a laughing stock! Har Har!"

"NOT THE COMFY CHAIR! I'll take the POD!"

"Har har! Get in, Matey! We'll make a good Bootleg out of you yet!"

"In fact, that's EXACTLY what we're doing! This is a BOOTLEG POD, Picard! Soon YOU WILL BE ONE OF US!" "Darth, should we be getting out of here? The Enterprise is still sitting out there!"

"No, we wait! The POD will only take a few mintues to work it's magic. And if The Picard-Bootleg is any good, we'll want to Assimilate the rest of the crew as well."

"We could always just assimilate the Enterprise itself. I'm sure there'd be a Market for IT!"

Just then, the POD makes a wet squishing sound, followed by a sharp POP! as the seal is broken! A purple hand reaches out....

Meanwhile, on the battle-damaged bridge of the Enterprise, Data addresses the other surving Bridge Crew.

"I do not see that we have much choice. Despite the Bootleg vessel's impressive size, it is very cheaply constructed. Several photon torpedoes will easily destroy it."

"But the Captain is still on board!"

"We could always assemble an away team. We could start by re-assembling Riker...."

"Oh NO! Look at the SCREEN!"

(Insert "Bum Bum Bummmmmmmmm!" Sound F/X Here)

"Hi there." "I am Locutus of BOOTLEG. Resistance is futile. Your sales, as they have been, are over. From this time forward, you will adapt to"

Closing Fanfare, fade to black.

To be concluded.....

Watch for the exciting conclusion next month! (After the Summer Re-Runs) Or maybe never!

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