THE MAN BEHIND THE MAYHEM
Twelve castaways were marooned this week on the small tropical Island of Bootleg Toys. The reason? To see just who is the toughest toy on the market. To try and survive in a fight to the death. To entertain the masses with a gladiatorial bout not seen since Roman times, or at least since the last episode of Jerry Springer.
The island, barely two miles wide and three miles long, has long been home to many nasty creatures. Aside from the transplanted population of knock-off toys, there is a huge indigenous population of Snozz-Wangers and Wang-Doodles, not to mention the roving packs of rotten Vermicious Knids. There are also less harmful animals on the island, including packs of PEZ and tribes of Pokemon.
The mastermind behind this is a mystery figure known as Mr. Bad Ass. The only known file photo (above) shows a man of keen intellect and decadent desires. When asked for his reasons in staging this media event, Mr. Ass had the following comments:
"Toys on the market, many there are. Popular many be. Yet, sucky most are.
To thin the herd is my goal. To see pop icons suffer.
Long have I watched these toys. Always to the future do they look. Never their mind on where they were. What they were doing. Change all that I will.
Stranded them I have. No food have I given them.
Entertaining this will be."